Why You Should Have Sex On the First Date

I have written three books, including Queeroes and Gay and Single…Forever?.

I’ve also contributed to numerous anthologies, such as I Like It Like That, Singlism, and Muscle Men.

But for the purposes of this application, I’d like to draw special attention to my contribution to Second Person Queer.

It’s entitled, Why you SHOULD have sex on the first date. The condensed online version that follows is one way of taking a print format and customizing it to an online medium:

I have read a lot of gay dating books, and one thing they seem to agree on is that if you want to find a boyfriend you should not have sex for the first three dates.

This may work for some, but for the rest of us, here’s the real deal:

• If there’s no sexual chemistry/compatibility between the sheets, you might as well find out sooner rather than later.

• The Ryan Reynolds loophole: You don’t know when a guy this sizzling is going to come your way again, so get it while the getting’s good.

• The most anonymous of encounters can become longterm. I know a couple who met in a bathhouse. Not only did they have sex on the first “date,” one of them had already had sex with two other guys that night. All the same, here they are, a couple of decades, several dogs and cats, and a bed and breakfast later, still together.

So why are the gay dating books hell-bent on the three-date rule? Because in your quest for “the one,” you are likely to go on dates with a lot of different guys.

This can be an emotionally draining process.

When you finally meet someone you are really into, if it turns out to be a one-night stand, the emotional fallout for you can leave you feeling like this:

So yes, the three-date method is an option. It could even lead to this:

The key word being “could.” I’ve tried it. The result: epic fail.

Like many gay men I have a lot of anxiety, and the longer I wait to have sex with a guy, the more intimidating the thought becomes.

Of course, one solution would be to work on reducing my anxiety as I get to know someone. But here’s the thing: I’ve found a way more efficient way of addressing the situation.

Have sex right away. In my ideal world it would look like this:

In reality, it tends to look more like this:

True story: I met a guy who I will call the Giggler. I assumed he was high, because he kept having little laughing fits while we were making out. Turns out he was nervous. Horny, but nervous. Once we got naked and really fired up, his giggling was replaced by noises of a  more gratifying nature. Problem solved. Three dates on the other hand would’ve been excruciating.

Having said all that, what happens when you have sex right away, you fall for the guy, and you’re totally crushed when he never calls you back? Enter “Eric;” Eric was muscular, handsome, smart, and charming.  After he left the next morning, I felt like this:

When we spoke on the phone the next day, I suggested we meet for coffee. His response: “Yeah, let’s keep that in mind.”

I was devastated.

The three-date rule certainly would have spared me this. It would also have robbed me of sex with one of the hottest guys I’ve ever been with, and deprived me of the almost hypnotic experience of seducing him (FYI the Ryan Reynolds Rule also applies to Daniel Craig).

The fallout was, however, intense. I went to a therapist for months and months. There I explored the coping mechanisms of my youth. Like many gay men, that younger version of me learned to suppress my feelings. That helped me survive the closet, but it did not serve me as well as an adult gay man. I was used to burying feelings, but then I’d meet a guy like Eric, who dug them up.

Eric was a guy I had sex with once and never became friends with, but he was not simply a one-night stand (not that there’s anything wrong with that). He was an opportunity for emotional growth—at least that’s what I made him, which is more than I can say for a lot of the guys I’ve gone on three dates with. He’ll never be my boyfriend, but his memory will always have a small place in my big gay heart.

And let’s remember, the three-date rule isn’t about getting a boyfriend, it’s about insulating your heart while you search for “the one.”

I like my way better.

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